There it was.
gross and grotesque
like intestines spilled out for display
at a homicide scene…
and yet beautiful enough to steal the breath from
my lungs.
There it was
the heart that went missing
5 agonizingly long years ago.
A Starbucks table full of older children…
I wondered why the others were turning to stare
when I saw it.
The smoke and ashes of a soul’s empire
lovingly built, brick by brick
sitting nonchalantly at a table
surrounded by friends,
who turned to stare
at the lonely old has-been crazy woman
sitting
in her car,
waiting at the drive-thru window
My very own heart
pretending it didn’t see me
purposely looking straight ahead
as its friends turned to stare…
I recognized it though.
After all, it’s my heart….
my purpose…
It choked my throat…
floods of hugs and kisses
bedtime stories
long talks at the dinner table
giggles making up silly stories
and how the number 3 makes a heart
…for a reason…
There it sat,
surrounded by friends,
pretending it didn’t see me….
my very own heart…
splayed out on that table
nonchalantly pretending…
I never existed
at all.
Maybe I never did?
Does one really exist without a heart?
So I forced a laugh, alone in my car…
trying to turn the choke of memories into laughs
hoping my empty, gaping chest
wouldn’t show itself.
Transformation complete.
You win.
I no longer
exist.