I remember we moved in that house on Summit Avenue in October of 2007. You and I sat on the little front porch the day we moved in and you were so amazing!! You were in the 5th grade and you were so wise, so optimistic.
I felt horrible that I couldn’t afford something more elegant or fancy, but I was happy to finally have us in a good neighborhood inside your school district. Still, I felt like a failure because I wanted to be able to get us something so much nicer.
I wasn’t saying much on the porch. I was nervous because it was a bit expensive for my budget and also bc it wasn’t as nice as what I wanted for you heading into middle school…
But you… you just took my breath away. You said to me, momma this is the best house in the world!!! And I said, “is it Lexi?” And you said “yup momma it is.. it’s the best one of all because it’s OURS!!” It took all my strength not to cry. I was so deeply proud of the wise and beautiful person you were and literally amazed that I had raised such an incredible, thoughtful and encouraging child. No one in my life had ever validated my efforts or reassured me like that. I was speechless!
I’m sorry… when I think back to you being scared of the bedroom on the 2nd floor in that house. It was the nicest bedroom in the house and I was so proud to give it to you. I didn’t mind sleeping in a closet in the basement so we could live there, but I was somewhat frustrated that you didn’t like to sleep in your bedroom when I was in an actual closet. You and Savannah didn’t tell me you thought it was creepy until I bought us the house on Roosevelt. If I’d known you were that scared of it, I’d have let you sleep with me every night.
I think of that now and I wish I’d known. I really didn’t know until we’d already moved though.
I always invited you to sleep with me when you had bad dreams. I still remember the last time you came to sleep with me in the middle of the night after a nightmare in 7th grade. My mother had always yelled at me to go back to bed or slapped me for waking her when I had nightmares… which I did frequently as a child. So, I made sure you were never afraid to come to me if you had bad dreams.
Lexi, I swear on all that’s holy in this world and beyond that I literally tried every single day to be a wonderful momma for you. You deserved the most perfect momma possible! I wish I’d succeeded more at that in your eyes.
You were always the most amazing child any parent could hope for. Maybe you weren’t literally perfect, but you were as close as I could imagine a child to be.
I love you 143 million tuna melt sandwiches forever and always ❤️
(I pray you remember that I sent you a note to school one day reminding you of that!)