Tags

abuse, grief, loss, Narcissistic Abuse, parental alienation

I was the happy girl.

The unconditional love girl.

The forgive anything girl.

The bounce-back no matter how hard the punch girl.

The live and let live girl.

The this will not define me girl.

The lover of books girl.

The hug everyone girl.

The cry it out and this too shall pass girl.

The at least my daddy always loved me girl.

And now, I’m the none of those things at all woman.

An Understanding -1/25/17 Scribble

Tags

despair, grief, Lexi & Savannah, loss, Nihil, parental alienation

Tumoral Dreams by Nihil

I began to understand my end when I realized I don’t even dream of a better life anymore…

I can’t even imagine one without you.

Mostly Quiet Now

Tags

abuse, grief, loss, parental alienation

https://eliskanapino.deviantart.com/art/drowning-woman-385874647

I am mostly quiet now.

Yet what happens in my life writes a story in my flesh.

Pain is never silent. Suffering is never quiet.

I am mostly quiet now though.

My body and brain scream in agony while

I’ve been well trained in the utter futility of making any sound

So….

I must beg your forgiveness for

the extra wrinkles aging me at the speed of five years of heartbreak,

unending lies,

absurd accusations,

and a lifetime of accepting

my expendability

(I am mostly quiet now, though)

The permanently furrowed brow

The way my skin almost shrieks aloud now when touched

The dead weight behind my eyes

The way my once-smiling mouth pulls further down at the edges each day

(But I am mostly quiet now.)

For the way my brain screams at too much noise

Yet weeps at the unending unnatural shrieks of silence…

Resounding with pathetic pleas to matter

I plead daily for mercy for the weight of my existence, the curse of my birth.

I know only these things:

No one should have to spend a lifetime begging for love, desperate for mercy, pathetic for humanity.

No one!

Not even one…

and I am mostly quiet now.

Love, Or Whatever This Is

Tags

hopes, loss, love

You call this “love” but I can’t. Whatever this is feels like being wheeled into the operating room after years of waiting for surgery, where I’m not entirely convinced that this operation will work but I’m willing to try. It’s the final hope, the last resort after exhausting all other options and, though I am […]

via Love, Or Whatever This Is — hijacked amygdala

Ammunition

Tags

grief, loss, parental alienation

The day I brought you home

I’d have gladly died for you. And when I say “gladly”, I mean happily, joyfully, with zero doubts or concerns.  Had I only known you’d not only not need me, but you’d even not want me so much so that you’d erase and delete me.

I suppose I was blind to even that possibility in my fervent commitment to show a child the love and compassion I did not know; in my desperation to believe giving you these things made me worthwhile and meant my life would be meaningful after all. I thought you’d need a momma’ s love like I had needed.

Perhaps I was too desperate for those things to see that I had nothing you needed or wanted and that I never would have them either… that nothing I ever did, said, or had to give you would be anything you ever might want.
Most of my life I desperately wished I’d never been born, but the minute I looked into your face I believed you were the reason I was born and why I’d been forced to live through so much torment and abuse. If I had to go through those hell fires all over again just so you could exist exactly as you are, I would and I wouldn’t have complained once had I known that I had go through that to get to you.

In all those early years of strife and abuse getting to you, what if I’d known you’d hate me anyway? What if I’d know you’d despise me for being the “disgusting” unbearable product of it all?

What if I’d known I’d go through all of that to get to you just to be criticized, persecuted, hung out to dry, attacked and demeaned for every single scar I bear from my very journey to get to you? And later, to survive with you?

What if I’d known that you’d someday rip my heart out and do/be/say the things to me that I already believed about myself up to and until you were born ? Had I known for every battle I fought for you, for every belly laugh we shared, for every tender moment of feeling my soul bonded directly and unbreakably to another and feeling the joy of watching my heart beat outside my chest… what if I’d known you’d take a giant eraser and erase every single happiness I fought to have with you? That you’d obliterate in openly expressed disgust the only thing I felt I ever did well or worthwhile?  That you’d take a magnifying glass to my every scar and wound and lift them up in disgust to show the whole world everything I’d always hated and felt ashamed for about being me?

That you’d shamelessly persecute me in public for having a weak bladder? That you’d scream at me because I engaged in normal, adult, sexual activities in the privacy of my own bedroom late at night while you slept? Well after I’d fed, read to, and tucked you safely in your own bed?

That if you ever told me you hurt, that I’d immediately do anything in my power to stop your hurt? And that you’d just say that wasn’t my doing nor was it even close to good enough for you?

What if I’d known you’d grow to be the very entity of the two people who nearly destroyed me before you were even born?  That abuse I took at their cruel hands for as long as I could survive it, until I knew I couldn’t withstand any more and still survive? Only to have you continue the very same soul sucking, heart wrenching, life choking, humiliating, and demeaning tactics I barely survived from them, but fought to survive just to show you the love and security I never knew?

Only to have you finish me off… with them guiding your hands, your body, your mind, and even rearranging your memories like a puppet I gave birth to merely to finish their original task?

What if?

Had I known these would be your distorted and erased experiences of me as a mother, I’d have killed myself the day I brought Savannah home from hospital.  I’d happily have brought you and your sister to your life and existence and then handed over mine.

And all that struggle just to take my former abusers ammunition to destroy me away and hand it straight over to you. To destroy me once and for all with the same cruelty.

And I wish I had done just that. I could have saved myself years of suffering and worry and constant nitpicking myself over how to be a good momma… I could have saved myself from pushing relentlessly to rehabilitate my body in order to have a job that barely covered our bills.

But most of all it seems I’d have given you sooner what you wanted and needed the most from me… a truly erased, totally silent,  and invisible momma. 

No More Exorbitant Apologies

Tags

adapting, dysfunctional family, fear, grief, life, loss, loveless, mean mothers, Mother, Quotes, unacceptable, unforgivable, Validation

*CORRECTION:  Apparently this is not Meryl Streep’s quote, but a quote by Jose Micard Texieira.

I am so deeply delighted to have discovered this quote this morning!

As the daughter of a malignant narcopath, I carry guilt equivalent to what most people associate with the Catholic religion: Asia sized damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t chronic 10 tons of guilt.  If I stand up for myself, I feel like I’m being a bitch.  If I don’t stand up for myself, I’m being a doormat who deserves to be treated like shit.

So, standing up for what is healthy for me, insisting that I do matter, and refusing to tolerate anyone who refuses to honor that is exceedingly painful for me . THANKS, MOMMIE DEAREST for that life-long handicap, by the way!  THANKS MOMMIE DEAREST for punishing the FUCK out of me for trying to stand up for the plethora of unjust things you brought to my world growing up AND later telling me I “deserved to be beaten by my boyfriend because I allowed it” so I must “like it”.  No, I did not “like it”.  I am merely the daughter/by-product of a sociopath who was furiously angered and punitive if I liked a different color better than your favorite color. You removed my backbone, then punished and taunted me for being a spineless doormat. THANKS, MOMMIE DEAREST.

And after a lifetime of being a spineless doormat, I realize that my very soul and spirit depends upon no longer accepting that and re-training my brain to refuse the guilt which also comes when i stand my ground, walk away, and insist I deserve to be treated with the same God damned consideration and compassion as I have always given my abusers.

This quote helps me see that it really IS okay that as my life-long abused parts are screaming for mercy and kindness so loudly now that I can’t hear the world anymore or feel much of anything but chronic pain from the shrieking screams coming from my gut, that I am insisting on at least basic consideration as a human being.

It’s ok that my patience for chronic-kindness and turning the other cheek and loving til it hurts has run out.

It’s perfectly acceptable that I don’t sparkle my precious smile everywhere any more, tossing out my inner glitter and quietly begging for approval and to be liked at every person whose path I cross.

It’s okay that I don’t like some people or value them if they are cruel or unjust monsters.  I don’t have to be Jesus to be worthy.

I was born worthy.  I was born into a world where not everyone deserves my unconditional love or acceptance, my limitless patience, or my respect.  It’s okay for me to expect those things to be earned and, at the very least, to only give back what is given to me in some measure as well.

Thank you Jose Micard Texieira for this beautiful validation!

 

The Long-Term Effects of Parental Rejection

Tags

adapting, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, desperation, fear, grief, life, loss, mean mothers, Mother, parent issues, sadness, unforgivable

In researching various symptoms and issues relating to and from C-PTSD, I discovered the following article.  Of particular note to me was the claim that:

“neurological studies suggest that parental rejection activates the same part of the brain which is activated by the experience of physical pain”

This premise sure does explain a great deal!

http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2014/01/07/the-long-term-effects-of-parental-rejection/

Exposing your children

Tags

black sheep, child abuse, childhood, children, DENIAL, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, estranged, fear, frustration, grief, history, hopes, invisible, life, loss, loveless, manipulation, mean mothers, Mother, nightmares, parent issues, rain, sadness, sociopath, the ex, trust, unacceptable, unforgivable, unforgiven

I’ve reflected a lot on the “exposing your children to your narcissist abuser” issue. As stupid as it sounds (and it IS sheer ignorance), I was shocked to find that meme!   To know that someone else in this world made even that critical, senseless, ridiculous error after living a lifetime of abuse, just astounds me. In the same way that I’m still frequently overwhelmed with disbelief (literal “OMFG” moments) when I read someone’s words that explain situations, feelings, events, etc. that I truly not only believed were unique to MY life, but also never discussed because describing and explaining the sometimes subtle nuances of narcissistic abuse feels impossible.

…Then you read words that actually sound like they’re coming from your own life…your own thoughts…things you’ve never discussed…and thus, couldn’t possibly be copied! It’s a real contradiction. I always feel shock first at identifying so well with someone’s words, then I feel guilt that those words from that persons torturous hell actually make me feel validated on so many levels. Then, I feel horrified that ANY other person experienced ANY thing like my life and I’m overcome with gigantic waves of compassion for that person and my heart hurts for them and my head rages with their injustices.

It’s a strange process.

As far as the exposure issue, I don’t feel, for myself, that’s forgivable. I sadly have realized it’s one thing I may never totally absolve myself from. And worse yet, it makes me furiously angry at God! Madder at God than maybe anything else I’ve been mad at God for.

My narcissist mother made this choice easy for me. I can actually thank her for that. Yes, I was still living mostly in denial (desperately trying to blame myself for all the senseless pain she inflicted in my lifetime and the life handicaps that result from that). I was still praying for the miracle that it WAS my fault, I could fix me, and she would someday maybe love me.

She made that easy. Her cruelty during my first pregnancy was blatant. Or perhaps, it was the same as it always had been and I simply was becoming more aware with wisdom, experience, therapy, and age? In spite of that blatant cruelty, I still desperately begged…and begged…pleaded and jumped hoops, essentially shoving my head so far up her ass in the desperate need for a mother’s love while experiencing all the fears a soon-to-be mother experiences. In short, I had never wanted or need a mother more than I did while pregnant. The sheer terror of being a mom, knowing how to be a mom, and ironically the fear of ensuring I didn’t repeat my mother’s example…all made me pathetically desperate for her love and acceptance.

And as any true narcissist will do, the more they sense that power of your desperation, the more cruel they become. And she did become more cruel; more openly, hatefully shamelessly cruel. Which of course, pushed me in said desperation to REALLY step up my efforts to be loved by her. Which is a snowball effect of endless insanity right there. The harder I begged, the crueler she became…the harder I begged…the crueler she became…and on and on and on…

I stupidly never intended to keep her from my child. Even when my sister gave me a blatant, chilling warning of what would happen someday if I didn’t. I STILL kept praying maybe we would FINALLY bond in motherhood. FINALLY!  I might have a mother at last…and my daughter might still have a grandmother!  YAY!  There was hope!

No. she used it all to hurt me more even while I was finally the adult who could be and should have been safe at last from her terror…independent and ready to become a mother myself. At the time when she finally no longer held ANY power over me (other than that desperate for a mother’s love thing), I willingly HANDED that monster all the power to continue hurting me.

I called her when my narcissistic sex addict fiancé (identical to my mother) was cruel or abusive. She would antagonize and aggravate those feelings. I called her when I was reflecting on my fears of being a mother. She would pick, pick, pick at those fears…deepening them into absolute gaping terrors. I called her when I was scared of my baby’s safety in my womb, she would encourage that fear and add a few more for good measure. I called her over trivial little struggles pregnant women have, like, Mom…I stood in the shower today and cried because I couldn’t reach to shave my legs….knowing Mark (Narcissist fiancé) would tell me how disgusting I was because I was fat(i.e. 8 months pregnant) and couldn’t shave my legs. My mother said, “Most husbands would be happy to help with that. It’s too bad no one loves you enough to help you with that.”

I called her when my cheating violent fiancé went into 30 day sex rehab treatment and I had no food. After almost four straight days without food, I started having nightmares about my starving fetus. I would literally picture those kids on the Ethiopia commercials inside my womb, crying and begging for food.   So I finally felt scared and guilty enough to swallow my pride and call my mother to ask if she’d send me $40 for food for the remaining 3 weeks my fiancé would be away dealing with the fact that he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants or stop beating me up after he put it inside yet another chick. My mother said, “Oh, you don’t have any food? That’s too bad. That’s what welfare is for. Go apply for welfare.” I said, “I only need a little bit of food, Mom. Mark will get food when he gets released. I feel bad applying for welfare.” She said, “People like you are why welfare was created. I don’t know what to tell you except to apply for welfare”. I got really quiet because I didn’t know what to say to this and so she changed the subject. She started telling me how she and her wealthy husband had bought too many Omaha steaks that year and they had had to give a TON away to his employees. Following that up with, “I thought about sending you some, but you don’t eat very much red meat, remember?” Which threw me into confusion because I had been a part time vegetarian TEN YEARS earlier for about 6 months.

I then had to spend the next year hearing my step-father talk about what a real piece of shit my fiancé was because a “decent human being wouldn’t let a dog go hungry, much less a pregnant woman”…and always wondering how he could say that with a straight face, never realizing that mother certainly hadn’t told him I called her asking for money for food when I was pregnant and hadn’t eaten in nearly a week! After all, he would have wanted to help me! We couldn’t tell him that kind of thing…we were “blaming that on Mark”. So, I blamed that entirely on Mark too….all but forgetting that excruciatingly painful and humiliating “go get on welfare…I can’t believe we bought too many Omaha steaks” conversation I’d had with her. After all, it was only Mark’s fault.

Fucking cruelty. And I let that monster around my children.

Ain’t no sunshine

Tags

adapting, black sheep, childhood, children, Daddy, DENIAL, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, estranged, fear, frustration, grief, history, hopes, invisible, life, loss, loveless, manipulation, mean mothers, Mother, nightmares, nostalgia, parent issues, rape, sadness, sexual abuse, sociopath, suicidal, the ex, trust, unacceptable, unforgivable, unforgiven

http://shadowness.com/maria-amore/between-faith-and-doubt-2

Loss – true, deep, profound, crippling loss – is a loss beyond imagination and to a great degree, that loss is more profound and crippling when it’s an unnatural loss. The loss is exponentially pervasive into one’s life when it’s a loss brought on by betrayal, deceit, hatred, or brought on with the sheer intent to punish you for some unknown and/or unintentional “misdeed” of sorts, even sometimes a “misdeed” that’s merely fictional – a fabrication created solely from the dark billowing folds of a sick and twisted mind of a sociopath. I mean, there just ain’t no sunshine after this kind of loss.

People say; move on with your life. Let go of the pain. Recreate yourself. Recreate a life for you that you love. Have faith.  Everything happens for a reason.

(Which by the way, I could now happily punch myself in the throat repeatedly for EVER thinking “everything happens for a reason” is EVER appropriate to say to ANY one!  Except maybe (big maybe here) in the case of divorce or breaking up with a sociopathic narcissist.  In THOSE cases of using the term “loss” so loosely, then yes, it really does happen “for a reason” and you are truly better off.  Other than that, then everyone who falls back on that phrase (myself included), can fuck off!)

So, you look in every hidden corner of your life, your heart, and your mind…stretching your limbs and your definitions to find that possibility. You become a detective of possibilities, looking for them anywhere and in anything:

Maybe this book will help. Maybe that book will release my mind from its torment for a moment…or this movie…or a conversation with this person about the struggle….or a conversation with that person about anything but the struggle? Maybe art, perhaps painting or coloring or creating a DIY project will provide a moment of relief?
Maybe God? Worshipping Him, being grateful for the many wonderful things you know are there but no longer bring any joy, forcing yourself to look for that joy and insist it is there?  Maybe singing to Him, or listening to music praising Him?

Maybe a new pet, a colorful squawking bird or an innocent playful puppy or a soft fluffy cuddly kitten?
Maybe reminiscing? Or not allowing yourself to reminisce, removing as many painful reminders of all the places joy once stood? Maybe cleaning until your skin is raw, bleeding, and cracked and looks like your heart feels? Maybe not cleaning? Living in squalor, letting everything get and stay as messy and unkempt as your life and your thoughts feel?
Maybe music? Country music? Classic rock? Reggae? Heavy metal? Classical? Gospel? Hard rock? Really loud music? Really soft, subtle background music?

Maybe gardening? Putting your time into cultivating a beautiful plant which signifies life? Or growing tomatoes to remind you to survive, you must eat? Maybe plotting the revenge you don’t believe in and would never seek?  Maybe imagining karma or refusing to allow yourself to believe you “don’t deserve” this kind of pain?  Or forcing yourself to think you deserve this and much worse?  If “much worse” exists?  Maybe fantasizing about how “much worse” might be or feel?

Maybe too much time on Facebook or Twitter or blogging or Pinterest? Maybe joining support groups and reaching out to help others who are hurting? Maybe volunteering for a domestic violence shelter or the humane society? Maybe do daily affirmations in the mirror? Or practicing the Law of Attraction?

Maybe drinking too much wine? Or not allowing yourself to have any alcohol? Maybe writing letters? Or emails? Or joining causes you believe in? Laughing foolishly about the silliest stuff your brain can think of?

Maybe planning your suicide? Writing your will? Organizing vast piles of paperwork? Maybe dancing like no one is watching? Playing in the rain? Hand writing letters to lonely souls in prison? Reaching out to long-lost friends? Reconnecting with friends you’ve grown distant from? Maybe having sex with an old boyfriend? Or going on a date with someone new? Maybe drinking more tea? Making infused waters? Maybe browsing through hundreds of old photos? Or hiding every reminiscent photo?

Maybe living in another state? Or another state again? Or the same state where you lost everything? Maybe changing your name? maybe writing of the abuse you’ve never spoken of? Maybe writing of anything but your grief, sorrow, pain, or past abuse? Maybe writing the stories of your multiple rapes? Your mounting dealings with injustices? Maybe giving compassion to others who’ve endured similar experiences and not even speaking of your own?

Maybe get a tattoo? Alter your flesh somehow to tell yourself you are now officially and physically not the exact same body who experienced these things at all?

After a while, you listen to everyone tell you how to move on, let go, live again.  And you are a detective of joy survival; madly and frantically searching for brief any flashing moment of joy happiness serenity peace relief to alleviate the pain and sorrow that has somehow infused itself into every recess of your brain.

Maybe beg for a lobotomy?

Daddy’s hand

Tags

adapting, black sheep, childhood, children, Daddy, depression, desperation, dysfunctional family, fear, frustration, grief, history, hopes, life, loss, mean mothers, nostalgia, parent issues, sadness, safety, sociopath, trust, unforgivable

Dad let go of her hand but she never let go of dad’s hand.

Humans of New York (http://www.humansofnewyork.com) posted this photo with the caption “Dad let go of her hand, but she never let go of Dad’s hand.”

My earliest and perhaps most innocently poignant memory is of having to let go of my dad’s hand. I guess myself at around three. My mother and father were viciously arguing. My sister and I were hiding on the stairway. My heart was racing; scared of the fighting and petrified I’d get caught for sitting on those steps listening to all the loud yelling I didn’t understand and be punished for my curiosity. Two policemen showed up. They appeared larger than life and what frightened me most was the Billy club each had dangling from his belt. Menacing, baseball bat looking clubs as big as my leg, which I knew were there to be used. In my confusion for sitting on the stairway…or maybe it was the automatic assumption I’d carry with me for the rest of my life that as usual, I’D done something wrong …whatever it was, somehow I knew instantly that Billy club was to beat me with. The minute I saw it, I ran as fast as my legs could fumble themselves up those stairs in my panic, too scared now to even worry about being quiet!

I ran straight to the top of the stairs and turned into the first door on the left, my parent’s bedroom. My bedroom was straight ahead and the same distance to run, but somehow I felt sure that Billy club would come looking for me in MY room. So, I thought I was quite clever to hide in my parent’s room where they at least wouldn’t come first looking for me, maybe buying myself a few precious seconds before the beating.

The yelling downstairs had ceased. I could still hear talking; the policemen and my parents’ voices, but no more yelling. I wanted so much to hear what they were saying…to know what I had done this time…and get a clue as to how bad the Billy club beating might be….ohhhhh, how I wanted to know! Sheer terror kept me hiding behind the leather rocking chair in the corner of my parents’ bedroom, though. I didn’t DARE peek out and be nosy with the Billy club policeman man there, no matter how overwhelming my curiosity was!

My sister had gone under their bed. I stayed behind the chair for what felt like my last eternal moments before my inevitable death, making myself as small as I could to hide completely and occasionally putting my head sideways against the floor to peek under it and see my sister under the bed.

That lasted forever and I must be missing some time in there because the next thing I recall is my mother standing in front of my dad by the big wooden front door downstairs. My mother facing my dad directly, his face looked sad and hurt, not angry and mean like my mother’s and I knew something was horribly awfully wrong. My dad smiled and laughed perpetually. I’d never seen this look on his face ever. Not once on my entire three years! My mother held mine and my sister’s hands on either side of her, facing him and saying to us, who do you want to go with? This was a hard question. I didn’t want to hurt either of my parents’ feelings and I didn’t know what the right answer was. I love my mommy so much and I love my daddy too! And forever without one of them seemed an impossible choice. At that moment, I really believed this was the most final and permanent decision I’d ever have to make in my lifetime. My sister immediately piped up with, I’m going with you, Mommy. She either knew the right answer because she was an older, wiser five years old or it simply wasn’t the dilemma for her that it was for me? I didn’t know. I was looking at my dad’s face right that moment, still that sad look that was hauntingly unknown to me and I knew I couldn’t leave my daddy alone no matter what. My sister had already picked mother. I couldn’t leave my daddy alone with that expression on his face and I could feel the hot anger seething off my mother, while my dad felt quietly just hurt and defeated maybe…somehow seeming much safer than the alternative. I stepped over to my obviously wounded gigantic daddy and said, I’ll stay with you, Daddy.

It was decided. My sister left with our raging, seething mother and I stayed with our wounded, broken hearted Daddy, just knowing I could love on him enough with hugs and kisses to chase that sad look away and bring back his usual jolly smile. Strange that the few seconds it took me to make that choice feeling afraid because I believed it would be forever and I’d answer wrong, was immediately replaced with as much confidence as any three-year-old could have after answering such a question. I knew I belonged with my daddy. I loved and adored my mommy like crazy as any child does, but I knew the minute I took those few steps over to stand by my daddy’s side, that that was exactly where I belonged in this world, even if it DID mean I’d never see my beloved mother’s face again. I felt sad, but I was no longer afraid that I’d answered the question wrong. Yes, I belonged with Daddy; my happy, laughing, loving daddy with the smile that lifted my heart high in the air full of joy every day.

I didn’t understand this was only for the night…or a few days…or whatever it ended up being. I can’t recall. The last thing I remember is feeling that odd confidence that I’d made the right choice and knowing I would be safe forever right next to my daddy, holding tight to his great big warm hand.

But it wasn’t forever. Not too long after this painful choice…a night…or two or three days…my mother returned and took me with her and my sister far away from our house any my dad (to be with another wealthy much older man whom I’d later in life discover she had already been seeing and cheating on my dad with way back then). And, my daddy had to let go of my hand. I never let go of his though. Over the next 14 years, I held onto my daddy’s hand once in a while in person when I was allowed to see him, but every day and night I held onto his hand in my prayers, in my dreams, in my thoughts when I was scared, and in my heart when I felt unloved and unwanted or confused and beaten. And I continued to hold it the 27 years following that as I trudged my way through life, love, rape, abuse, and many scary choices.

Forty-one years later from the year I made that first great big life choice to hold my dad’s hand, I’m still holding that big warm hand in my mind and my heart. My daddy is gone. He let go of my hand again to go to heaven but I haven’t let go of Daddy’s hand.