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*CORRECTION:  Apparently this is not Meryl Streep’s quote, but a quote by Jose Micard Texieira.

I am so deeply delighted to have discovered this quote this morning!

As the daughter of a malignant narcopath, I carry guilt equivalent to what most people associate with the Catholic religion: Asia sized damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t chronic 10 tons of guilt.  If I stand up for myself, I feel like I’m being a bitch.  If I don’t stand up for myself, I’m being a doormat who deserves to be treated like shit.

So, standing up for what is healthy for me, insisting that I do matter, and refusing to tolerate anyone who refuses to honor that is exceedingly painful for me . THANKS, MOMMIE DEAREST for that life-long handicap, by the way!  THANKS MOMMIE DEAREST for punishing the FUCK out of me for trying to stand up for the plethora of unjust things you brought to my world growing up AND later telling me I “deserved to be beaten by my boyfriend because I allowed it” so I must “like it”.  No, I did not “like it”.  I am merely the daughter/by-product of a sociopath who was furiously angered and punitive if I liked a different color better than your favorite color. You removed my backbone, then punished and taunted me for being a spineless doormat. THANKS, MOMMIE DEAREST.

And after a lifetime of being a spineless doormat, I realize that my very soul and spirit depends upon no longer accepting that and re-training my brain to refuse the guilt which also comes when i stand my ground, walk away, and insist I deserve to be treated with the same God damned consideration and compassion as I have always given my abusers.

This quote helps me see that it really IS okay that as my life-long abused parts are screaming for mercy and kindness so loudly now that I can’t hear the world anymore or feel much of anything but chronic pain from the shrieking screams coming from my gut, that I am insisting on at least basic consideration as a human being.

It’s ok that my patience for chronic-kindness and turning the other cheek and loving til it hurts has run out.

It’s perfectly acceptable that I don’t sparkle my precious smile everywhere any more, tossing out my inner glitter and quietly begging for approval and to be liked at every person whose path I cross.

It’s okay that I don’t like some people or value them if they are cruel or unjust monsters.  I don’t have to be Jesus to be worthy.

I was born worthy.  I was born into a world where not everyone deserves my unconditional love or acceptance, my limitless patience, or my respect.  It’s okay for me to expect those things to be earned and, at the very least, to only give back what is given to me in some measure as well.

Thank you Jose Micard Texieira for this beautiful validation!

 

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