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crucified . entrecieletterre. nihil.fr

Two things.  For nearly six years now, I’ve held onto two little shiny glimmers.

  1. Maybe love, truth, and maybe even kindness will end up winning if I stay strong, stay hopeful, and always remember the truth.
  2. If not #1, there’s no one in my world who would ever stand up and say to the guilty parties, “You did this.  You did this to her.  You knew it would destroy her.  You knew it was wrong to do.  You knew.  You knew.  YOU KNEW!  And you did it anyway.  And not out of love for your children, not out of any righteous stance or deserved punishment.  You did it out of sheer selfishness and bitter jealousy which you cultivated over her lifetime into a bottomless black well of vile hatred. You not only did this, but you’ve allowed two innocent children to carry the load of your filthy sick hatred and be its vessel of her destruction.

You knew and you did it anyway.    No one will say that.  NO one will stand up for what’s right.  The  perpetrator’s will be crying the loudest, milking up the glory of their destruction while simultaneously sopping up every shred of sympathy for themselves they can get their greedy little sick desperate hearts on.

I no longer care what their sad inner struggles are or were. I no longer have the sympathy and compassion for them that something awful made them this way.  I no longer care what demons they fight in their soulless existences.  Like murderers or rapists, they know what they’ve done is wrong.  They knew as they did it.  They knew every step of the way.  None of it was accidental or inadvertent.  They tell themselves what they’ve spent ix years convincing the rest of the world, that they did it for my children and odds are they’ve been telling their stories for so long now that their twisted sick minds actually believe their own lies at this point.

That used to make me feel sorry for their sickness – the level of mental illness which allows them to tell so many lies to so many people that they most likely truly forget they were even lying to begin with.   As frustrated as I was with the damage their lies caused me over my lifetime, I still felt compassion for what a sad existence that was – to be so desperately drenched in lies that you could no longer tell what truth was.  What a sorry and sad way to have to live.

I used to feel sorry for them that their selfishness and their bitter egos were so ginormous that they’d never be capable of love or genuine connection.  I used to tuck my children in at night and then actually pray for those vile monsters.  I actually felt guilty that I had so much love with and for my children…love they’d never ever be able to know or have.

I felt guilty that I could experience and have that and they never would. After everything they did to me, I still felt sorry for them…  I still wanted them to know love and joy and happiness.  I still cared about their happiness.

And they’ll say all sorts of things after I’m gone.  God (if He exists) alone knows what lengths they’ll go to after it’s finally over and their hatred has won the final game.  But, they’ll soak it up…every last fucking ounce they can get from it…they’ll soak it up.

My mother showing up at my dad’s funeral, after destroying his entire life, and sobbing like a wounded animal.  My ex cheating on me and beating me up, then crying in marriage counseling about how his dad hurt him and he didn’t want to be who he was….even as he continued being and doing exactly that.

All about them.

All about their bitter hatred. 

Just like a serial killer showing up to their victims’ funeral, crying….offering condolences to the family that really hurts. They’ll soak up every last second of what their victory over me can get them.  Bottomless pits of sheer selfish evil.

And no one will say a word to them.  No one will set the record straight or call them out on what they’ve done.  No one will stand up for me or my children.  No one.

No one will call it what it was.  Soul robbery.  Destroying another human being to try to have the only thing they don’t, can’t, and won’t ever have  because all that they already have is never enough.

Murder.  Murder via pathological narcissistic abuse.  Murder motivated by greed and selfishness. Murder via parental alienation.

It was murder.

And my children were their weapons of destruction.