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Grace seeks sanctuary

~ scrawls from the edge ~

Grace seeks sanctuary

Tag Archives: narcissists

Collecting Dust

16 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by Graceinspades in abandonment, Complex Post Traumatic Disorder, destroyed, devastation, LIES/False Accusations, memories, Narcissists suck, Parental Alienation Syndrome

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

grief, Narcissistic Abuse, narcissists, parental alienation

Head spinning

like a little girl twirling to lose her balance

In an empty world built of

lies and broken trust.

Wise words from long ago

slice through brain cells

both dead and alive

with a razor’s heartless precision.

Uncertain which weighs more true,

the scale shakes and

shivers like memories built on sand castles of betrayal

scattering… like dust in the wind…

What to do with a fully wasted life of

false love and true lies?

A life so riddled with bullets

it’s unrecognizable as a life at all.

It doesn’t pulsate with life.

Where nothing was real

not even hope

or faith

or trust

or friendship

or family

and especially not love…

Love was the ultimate lie

-a clever, cunning weapon of mass destruction.

Dust collecting rapidly on the

senseless scrambles of

memories that never were….

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Mowing the grass and other things…

23 Wednesday May 2018

Posted by Graceinspades in Mark DeDeaux, memories, Narcissists suck, Parental Alienation Syndrome

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Tags

abuse, financial abuse, Lies, Mark D., Narcissistic Abuse, narcissists, parental alienation

I think often of my dad when I mow the grass. I remember him mowing it on Shuler Avenue when I was little.

I didn’t get to see him much but I remember hating when I was there and he’d have to go mow the grass . I was too little to help and I resented anything that took away even an hour of my precious time with him.

But that would pass the minute he was finished and he’d come back inside, smelling of freshly mown grass and the sticky heat of summer. I couldn’t wait to get him a glass of water or a cold beer from the fridge to help cool him down after the task. I felt so grown up to serve him. Sometimes I’d pretend I was a waitress and take his order when he came in. I couldn’t write yet, so I’d just scribble on paper pretending I could, thinking I was so clever to make my daddy believe I knew how to write!

Mowing grass makes me think of my beloved lawn on my house on Roosevelt. The yard was huge but it was so beautiful, I enjoyed getting it just perfect so my daughters and their friends and I could hang out barefoot in the grass playing or practicing cheerleading stunts. It smelled of lilacs and roses and fresh grass. I took great joy in completing it even though it was almost a full day’s job. I was so proud of our pretty little house, it’s good energy, and it beautiful yard… to finally provide my kids with our very own home we could decorate as we liked rather than all the rentals we’d lived in where I couldn’t paint or landscape the way we all wanted.

Their dad scammed that from us, although he didn’t pay a dime of his own money for that house. He scammed me with lies then later stole it with deceit, to hurt me and just to prove that “he could”. Just because I was trusting enough when my dad said, “you’re paying for that house with his name on the mortgage; make damn sure you get that agreement in writing”. So when I asked Mark for our agreement in writing saying my dad had suggested we just make sure there was never any confusion as to who was paying for this house and who it belonged to, Mark cried. He cried on the phone saying, “I’m so hurt you’d think I’d ever do something so dishonest to you or our girls like take your house!”

And true to narcissistic manipulation, sure enough, I ended up apologizing for even asking that our agreement be put in writing. I apologized for asking.

Three years later, he lied in court and said it was his, claiming he was buying this house 2000 miles away from where he lives as his “summer home” and he lied in court saying that with the sole intent of leaving his daughters and me homeless to “teach us a lesson” . And after threatening my dad that he’d never speak to him again if he let us stay with him after he’d stolen our house.

He rents it out now.

Sometimes I wonder if the people living in it know how many months my dad and children and I searched endlessly for the perfect home for me to buy for my daughters and I to live in forever. The house I pictured getting my children ready for their first prom in, or imagined when I’d watch them pull in the driveway the day they got their driver’s license, or how I’d imagined waiting for them in the front room to come home from their first date to tell me all about it, or how every time I mowed the grass I’d think of summer parties we could throw with all their friends and twinkle lights around the fence. Or how I’d scraped and saved money from nothing just to buy that little above ground pool for them and their friends to enjoy that first summer we lived there and how much fun we had playing in it and how proud I was to have afforded it even while paying for our home. Or how I couldn’t afford a lawnmower so my dad brought his over every weekend so I could keep the yard perfect. Every weekend he lugged that lawnmower over so I could make sure our yard was immaculate and beautiful so my daughters could be proud of our home

It wasn’t a mansion like Mark lived in when he lied and said it was his. It wasn’t some glorious expensive thing, but it was ours.

I’d scrimped and scraped just to have it; just so my children could have a permanent forever home of their own to be proud of.

To be our home base forever. It was always all ours.

Right up until the day their dad lied in court to say it wasn’t ours.

…Just because he “could”. Just because I had been stupid enough to trust a lying cheating, abusive pathological narcissist.

Trusted a pathetic excuse of a human being who had CRIED at the “insult” to his honor that I’d even ask for our agreement in writing. CRIED that I’d ever even imagine he’d do something so deceitful and hurtful as to take a home he knew wasn’t his… and never had been his…

our home.

Infinite

15 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by Graceinspades in abandonment, Childless momma, Complex Post Traumatic Disorder, Parental Alienation Syndrome

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Tags

abuse, grief, narcissists, parental alienation

breathe.jpg

Some pain is infinite

no edges to jump off

No light penetrates

As labor pains contact and contort your soul

You catch your breath between its

fierce clutches

Hot invisible grips around your heart

throat choking

fire breathing memories

Left alive with only the

ashes of death

Claws

15 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by Graceinspades in Abuse, Childless momma, Complex Post Traumatic Disorder, Parental Alienation Syndrome

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Tags

abuse, Domestic violence, narcissists, parental alienation

sunshine peaks

Everything was fine

Until he clawed open her soul

Just to feel the sunshine

Smear Campaign Tactics

01 Wednesday Nov 2017

Posted by Graceinspades in Narcissists suck, Parental Alienation Syndrome

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Tags

narcissists, parental alienation

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm Many, if not all Narcissists completely get away with their psychological terrorism and they basically murder their targets self-esteem, mind, soul AND their integrity with their backstabbing and ‘smear campaign!’ Be it the bullying, […]

via Let’s call it what it really is SLANDER – the Narcissist’s attack on our integrity with backstabbing and the SMEAR campaign. We are damned if we do or damned if we don’t respond but basically the Narcissist gets away with abusive behavior and people believe them and WE are left having to fight to get our integrity back? — After Narcissistic Abuse

One to go

19 Wednesday Jul 2017

Posted by Graceinspades in abandonment, Abuse, Complex Post Traumatic Disorder, Death, destroyed, Narcissists suck

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Tags

death, narcissists, PTSD

drowning

image borrowed from https://soundcloud.com/dhatu/drowning-featuring-mecca

 

A man of substance

taken for a fool

A man of joy

used as a pawn

A girl of hope and truth

painted black

A woman struggling for air

kicked and shoved under…

All used up

devoured by the petty

beaten with lies

strangled with betrayals.

Three down…

one to go.

 

 

The Truth Behind the Agenda

14 Sunday May 2017

Posted by Graceinspades in LIES/False Accusations, Narcissists suck, Parental Alienation Syndrome

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Tags

narcissistic personality disorder, narcissists, truths

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com Narcissists are masters at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, and playing mind games to get what they want. They play to win and get the rewards from the investment they put into scamming […]

via The truth behind their AGENDA – Narcissists are MASTERS at putting a spin on the truth, using extreme manipulation, charm, and playing mind games to get what they want from people and life. That is what they are doing in this so-called relationship with us. They are ALWAYS  sourcing out whomever they can to get what they want in every life situation. People are all pawns in this game of theirs – nothing more and nothing less. — After Narcissistic Abuse

My Tiny World

03 Wednesday May 2017

Posted by Graceinspades in grief, Lexi and Savannah, LIES/False Accusations, loss, Mark DeDeaux, Parental Alienation Syndrome

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

abuse, narcissists, parental alienation


I am a naive, ignorant woman. I’m at the end and it’s my choice yet a teeny tiny piece of me still can’t comprehend this as reality. As though this is some movie where the happy ending comes at the last minute. Where my children call and say “OMG Momma!! I’m so sorry…the truth matters so much. I’m sorry what you’ve endured.. I love you.”

I wanted to make it perfect. A spotless house, pretty pajamas, the perfect letter saying all the right things….

But I think those were ignorant thoughts begging for a righteous, happy, lovely little pat ending to this nightmare. Some delightful made for TV movie where good wins in the end.

Me though? I’m watching Criminal Minds. Kinda in honor of how much Savannah loved this show… And in great irony, the last three episodes I’ve watched were about  sexual criminals with a predilection for teenage girls.

Here’s my world : I’m “disgusting ” because I had sex in my bedroom with my boyfriend while my children were sleeping.

What’s *not* disgusting is having a sexual obsession with teenage girls…

I’m disgusting because I drank to numb my pain at helplessly watching my children hurt sometimes after our home was stolen by their father.

What’s “not” disgusting is stealing your ex’s home in an attempt to leave her and your children homeless … all “for their own good”.  Because it’s okay to steal what’s not yours as long as you tell the people it was “for their own good”.

I stole a lip gloss once when I was 14.  I still feel ashamed.

I’ve never once raised my hand in anger, but my ex has abused animals, women, and children, I’m sure “for their own good” though.

I peed in a parking lot once and I’m the worst mother ever.

Welcome to a tiny glimpse of my world.

NPD Awareness Day (aka Father’s Day)

30 Sunday Apr 2017

Posted by Graceinspades in Children's Father, Cruelty, Mark DeDeaux, Narcissists suck, Parental Alienation Syndrome

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

abuse, children, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissists

Narcissists are very envious of others. Unless they can take credit for the person’s good fortune, it is either dismissed or seen as a threat. No one is better than they are. A narcissist cannot feel happiness for someone else, not even their own child. A narcissistic parent believes that it is their right to […]

via Narcissistic Personality Disorder Awareness Day (AKA: Father’s Day) — Two and a Half Socks

Narc swirls and unmistakable patterns

09 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by Graceinspades in Abuse, Darlene Higgins, Domestic violence, emotional vampires, evil, Mark DeDeaux, Parental Alienation Syndrome, senseless cruelty

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

abuse, child abuse, narcissists, parental alienation, PAS

Brainwashed


I’m seeing a pattern here. 

1. Narcs lie because they get off on it. 

2. A relationship with a Narc ruins your health, both physical and mental. 

3. Narcs sponge off the woman/man they claim to love.

4. Narcs wait until you are completely charmed and reeled in and then start disappearing or mentioning other women, or throwing you off balance.

5. Narcs often take satisfaction when they have driven a woman/man to a mental break-down or suicide. 

6. Narcs are charming and difficult to forget. They give us highs we’ve never experienced, and once they know they ‘have’ us, discard us, or keep us around like a second option. 

7. Narcs never say sorry in a genuine manner, only with qualifying or sarcastic additions to twist the “apology” inside out. 

8. Narcs will ill speak you the way the ill spoke the woman in their previous relationship making themselves out to be a victim. 

9. Narcs are incapable of introspection. They have a small range of emotions such as lust, greed, rage, and sadistic satisfaction at knowing they have the power to hurt others. 

10. Victims of narcs often wonder if karma will get them as they seem to land on their feet. 

11. The truth is Karma has already got them as they are troubled souls having to look for new supplies to feed their broken egos and wounded selves. Their karma is they will never be happy. They will get less happy as they age and their charm starts to look ridiculous and has no impact on potential supplies. 

12. The best thing about having had a relationship with a narc is that we get to examine our own childhood woundings, to reflect, to get insight into ourselves, to understand that we are survivors, and if we are determined and stay the course with the no contact rule, we CAN heal and thrive again. We also learn that the greatest love of all is with ourselves. Once we learn to love ourselves, to stop waiting to be ‘saved’, we will attract amazing people in our lives, not out of need but out of joy. 

13. The other good thing about no contact is it teaches us how strong we can be. If we can go no contact, we can quit smoking, we can quit drinking too much, we can run that 5k, hell we can run a marathon, we can give up bread, we can finish that novel, we can start that business, we can laugh with our friends, we can help those who are less fortunate. We can find ourselves again. 

15. Its a blessing to have survived a narc as we see just how capable we are of loving others, of moving mountains. If we can do it for them, we can do it for us. 

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