I have held off for two reasons: 1. I hate the thought of my children never knowing the truth. (I can’t force them to believe the truth, but I abhor the thought of them not even having the knowledge of truth as one option to believe.) and 2. After extensive research, I realize I need access to a few ingredients which I’ve no clue how to acquire.
And if I’m absolutely soul-naked honest, I suppose I’ve been holding onto hope; holding onto the hope that this is just a nightmare, or that at least the worst of it is. No, this is all real and current. And I suppose I also secretly hoped something might change. Perhaps if I change, it will change? Did that and nope…no change.
Once you are a target for people… Once you’ve been that person who people blame and accuse, judge and condemn, perhaps rightly at times and perhaps wrongly at times. Regardless, once you are that person in people’s minds, then you are that person. You are the blame for it all. No one sees the changes. I think no one wants to see them. Perhaps even they are incapable of seeing them? If they did, then who would be their scapegoat for all the problems in the world? Who would they blame for their hurts and disappointments? Who would be the primary source for their problems? Their unhappiness? Their mistakes?
I have realized that I am not a living, flowing being. That’s for the rest of the world. I am stagnant and constant-never changing. I am not a film with scenery changes and movement. I am a snapshot. If I have a moment of frustration (and oh my….I do!), if I ever dare to just let my thoughts, feelings, and fears go for even one moment in time, then I am that moment forever. People no longer see the other quadrillion moments they’ve personally witnessed something else entirely from me. None of that is real anymore, I am merely the 25 seconds I ceased bottling everything in and just let stuff out. Nothing else even existed. After all, snapshots never change. Strangely enough, if I’m the victim of another’s random unleashing of fury, I am still the snapshot of fury
If I get drunk and obnoxious even once, then I am the drunk and obnoxious one. It won’t matter if I’ve not had any alcohol in years. Doesn’t matter. If I’m the only sober person in a crowd of drunks, the story will be that I was the drunk one…because we must remember that 3 years ago I got drunk. Therefore, it must be me. If I compromise my morals even once and have a brief fling with someone, I might be in a crowd of people who have sex with strangers weekly, but I am the slutty promiscuous one. If I fight back against someone, it doesn’t matter if it was the 10th or 100th unprovoked attack from them before I retaliated; I am the angry, vindictive one. And God help me if I ever just want to vent and be angry for a minute, letting flow the 5 million times I’ve turned the other cheek…not even in a safe place…no, it is unacceptable. I am instantly nothing but an angry, hateful bitch constantly unleashing my fury everywhere on everyone and everything….every time I open my mouth, to speak a kindness or to talk about the weather…whatever it may be I’m saying or doing, I am just a snapshot fury.
It is always me.
My mother can physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse a child for years and I am the abuser and, at best, I am merely the one worthy of the abuse I received. I still loved my mother. Me? I never raised a hand to my children. Loved them 24/7, showered them with praise and respect, but I was far from perfect, thus, I am unacceptable and unlovable to my children. I am the worst mother any poor innocent child could have.
My mother can cheat on every husband she’s ever had and blame it on anything or anyone else and her husband loves and forgives her. I have never cheated and I am the unforgiven slutty vixen.
If I admit I’m wrong…and I do frequently because quite frankly, I am wrong frequently, then I am just wrong. I have relinquished any possibility then or in the future of ever being accurate or correct again. I am the snapshot of all that is wrong.
I see and experience others in this world, living, breathing, making mistakes, making rights, being awesome, being horrible, changing forward, changing backward; not I. I get one chance to get it right. One chance to attain perfection. I am a snapshot.
I wish I was the snapshot of death.