Daddys go on vacation and never ever come back.
You don’t get to say a real goodbye.
People lie about death.
People lie about life.
Silence is the worst form of cruelty.
People break and they can’t be put back together again.
People enjoy hurting and punishing you.
They inflict so much pain, it’s beyond unbearable.
And sometimes there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it.
I was afraid to answer. Scared of possible cruelty of which any more I just can’t handle…scared of more pain at her cruelty… yet scared something was wrong or worried she might actually need her momma like she had so many times before this nightmare started.?
Terrified to answer. Petrified to not answer.
My breath stopped somewhere in my body when I saw her beautiful face show up on my phone screen, almost as though my brain had momentarily forgotten how to tell my lungs to breathe.
Like the day she was born…
…Like a million days between December 23,1998 and the spring of 2012 when I’d just look at her and feel as if my heart might stop beating from the sudden surge of so much love and adoration.
And her voice… her laugh… her words.. her imagination…her sense of humor… her intelligence …
All continued to stun me for the first 13 years of her life.
She may deny I’m her momma now, but once upon a time, for 13 straight years, I had the most utterly incredible daughter who’s ever existed and being the best momma I possibly could to her and her sister was my entire world.
I love you Savannah Grace DeDeaux.
You would have turned 81 today and I would give almost anything to be sharing this day with you…
I’ve contemplated so much about your life, your character, your loves, and your death over the past five years.
I didn’t only lose the greatest dad ever on the day you died. I lost my entire family. I lost my faith in the world. I lost the only safe haven I’d ever had or ever known. I lost my best friend. I lost my only life advocate. I lost my only support system. I lost my heart. My spirit withered and my soul grew bleak. I lost my children. I lost the last shred of innocence I had clung desperately to for so long, in spite of so much.
And far worse than any of that, in the midst of that mass pain and confusion, my children lost their truth.
Evil disguised as “family” stepped in and wreaked utter chaos on what was left of my life after you died. Ripped our little family…shredded our truth…stole my spirit and stomped on my heart.
It aches inside my chest that our last face-to-face conversation was you apologizing to me. You owning the mistakes you made talking behind my back, exaggerating things that bothered you. No apology was necessary. I know you truly were just concerned and scared for me. You…you, who had seen first hand my struggles. You, who had watched me fight to overcome more adversity and abuse than anyone should ever have to face in one lifetime. You, my last touchstone of truth and its irrefutable proof.
You overreacted and you grossly exaggerated, but I knew it was only because you sincerely cared. I knew it stemmed from genuine concern and a deep desire to protect me from myself and the inner battles which still raged on inside me long after I escaped the actual abuse.
You knew it all. The lies couldn’t have worked their total destruction on my children and the life we’d built as long as you were alive. Evil saw its opportunity and pounced- destroying me and taking our beloveds prisoner.
I owe you an apology. A million apologies.
I’m sorry I allowed them to lie and deny you the veteran’s burial you deserved. I’m sorry I let my guard down and fell so totally apart that their evil was able to destroy what meant everything to you in your lifetime- our little family network. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stop them. I’m sorry my children can’t acknowledge truth anymore. I’m sorry I allowed the family built on the strength of your back and good character to be demolished by greed and evil.
You deserved a veteran’s burial. The Air Force was so important to you. Your time serving this country meant so much to you and shaped you into exactly you – the man who would some day become father and best friend to his youngest child. I can only surmise they lied to me about that because it was more expensive. Ironically, I paid personally for your entire burial and funeral and wouldn’t have cared the extra cost, had I known they were lying. I wanted so much to give you the exact burial you always told me you’d wanted.
I just couldn’t fathom they’d lie…even then.
I’m sorry I didn’t have the sense to fact check their claims regarding the circumstances of your death or the details of your funeral. I’m sorry I believed their lies and false claims of love for you (and me) and allowed them to compromise you having the burial you always wanted.
Daddy, they lied to me about where you died. They lied about what time you died. They lied about the veteran’s service information. They lied about the estate laws. I’m sure I haven’t scratched the surface of all the lies they told me after you were gone…
Literally from the minute they called to inform me you’d died, their lies began. In hindsight, I imagine that’s why they waited 5 hours to even tell me you’d died. It must have been a race for them to prepare their stories and agree on what lies to tell me and why.
Then, in my shock, they started using my grief and confused state to start lying to my children- your grandchildren…
You deserved me to hold myself together at least enough that I could have combatted their evil, using the strength you’d shown me all my life. I should have known to fact check every word they said.
I should’ve known better than to trust them alone with the children we’d spent 15 years protecting and loving and teaching to be good people.
I’m sorry your grandchildren chose to believe lies, chose to tell lies, and were pawns and victims of such unmitigated evil. I’m sorry that I’ll never be able to share all the truths of how deep those lies went over my life…and over your entire life even.
Everything you did for me and for my children in your lifetime, you certainly deserved better…so very much better.It’s your birthday. I miss you.
I’ll never stop wishing the truth mattered or still stood even a chance. You were the one who kept me believing that integrity and truth was important no matter what choices others make when I was surrounded by liars and abusers.
I know if you can see what’s happened and is still happening every day, that your happy heart is broken; that your easy smile has vanished. I know you cry at what they’ve done and your unwitting part in it.
I forgave you before you ever apologized. You were a pawn in it all too. This became more apparent after you were gone, that they’d played you too…and I know you must regret that more than anything, if you can see what’s happened from beyond this realm.
And I have to believe you can see.
I’m sorry I allowed them to break your heart and my life even after yours had ceased beating. . I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger when you died. I’m sorry I, as usual, expected to be safe with the very people who’d already shown you and I repeatedly who and what they really were. You always warned me to watch my back after they’d shown their true faces, but I never wanted to fully believe such depth of evil could exist on top of the evil they’d shown me all my life…. not during a crisis like your sudden and unexpected death.
I couldn’t have imagined their evil would extend that far. Not then. Not at that horrific time for your grandchildren and me.
I should’ve understood that they would see your death and my vulnerability as nothings but an opportunity to advance their hateful ulterior motives.
I should have known they’d not suddenly have a heart or conscience or genuine compassion even then…
I don’t know what happens to us after we leave this life. I only hope you’re able to some day get the truth that matters delivered into the hearts of the two girls who mattered to us the most.
I’m playing your music all day and honoring your memory.
I hope to see you very soon.
All my love always,