She says she loves me, my precious, beloved Lexi. She says, “I love you momma”. And for a minute this week, I started to believe….started to let myself hope again. I can even remember the very first time this very child first said these very words of joy and hope to me!! I remember!! So, I take those words, blow them up, and surround them with the biggest beams of sunshine I can muster from below my pit of despair…pulling them up from that tiny child of innocence in this aging woman’s soul. Pushing aside the despair, the years of abuse and cruelty, past the desperation for death, past the hundreds of hopeless nights of tears, past the fucking wasteland that is me, holy fuck, I grabbed onto these words.
I fluff the words up like pillows I can hold tightly to my body, desperately holding that pillow against my broken soul, waiting to feel a moment of peace or joy maybe after all these years the words and the sentiments behind them were ripped from me. These fucking words, I clung to like a drowning man gasping for just a whimsical random flash of oxygen to fuel his life for just another fraction of a second…
I breathed those four words in so deeply, it sparked my life-long fantasy that these words have value…have meaning…have substance. The very same ridiculous fantasy which will be the death of me. Well, that fantasy isn’t merciful enough to literally cause death; it only makes one so fucking pathetically desperate for death.
Last night I realized all my life I’ve been clinging to the very god damned thing that’s been slowly killing me all my life. Me… my memory flashes back to millions of moments in time, clutching, clinging, scratching, and furiously begging for the mother fucking thing that would ultimately destroy me once and for all.
Oh hope is a false prophet, a mirage of water to a wandering soul lost in the desert. Hope is a mother fucking whore.
I love you momma. I love you momma and my friend is in the car, so I can’t stay long. I love you momma and I don’t want to hear your feelings. I love you momma and I love the people who’ve abused and destroyed you too, just as much. I love you momma and I don’t know who to believe. I love you momma and I’m leaving because I can live without you in my life. I love you momma and I need you to shut up about what’s been done to you by the people I love and want in my life. I love you but I will let you spend another holiday alone without your dad or your children. I love you momma as long as you shut up and smile. I love you momma as long as you don’t speak to me of your struggles, your loneliness, your damage, or your destruction because I haven’t yet decided who’s telling the truth…but I love you momma. I love you momma and Memaw and daddy don’t keep talking when I ask them not to. They don’t need to keep telling me awful made-up fabrications about how you’ve been the worst, most useless person ever. Thus, I don’t want you to keep talking about how they’ve destroyed you. I love you momma and I love them.
Are daddy and Memaw destroyed? Where is this damage to their lives I’ve caused with my worthlessness? Where is it? Where is their reason to be angry at me? their reason for destroying the only thing that I had in my life that was mine..mine to love, mine to be loved, my only light in the darkness of the horrors they intentionally created? Where is their destruction, baby? If I knew it or understood how I destroyed their lives, maybe I could better suck up the damage they’ve done to my whole life…past, present, and future. Where is the suffering I caused them? I need to know it so I can shut up and take the medicine I deserve of the final, ultimate blow they delivered when my daddy died and they ripped me from the hearts of my babies. I need to see it or at least know what/where/how it is, this horrifying pain I dished out to these people.
I love you momma. I feel horrible about how I’ve treated you and how I treated my dad when he stole our house for our “own good”. I won’t shut you out of my life again, but my friend is in the car and your words no, your tone, make me angry.
I love you momma but I’m going to spend this holiday with my sister and my dad and my grandma. I love you momma but spending a holiday with you since your dad died just isn’t something that I want to do. I love you though momma. I won’t shut you out again. Or anyone in my family… Well, I won’t shun you again as long as you SHUT UP about the abuse memaw and daddy have heaped upon you before me or how they’ve destroyed you completely at last using me to finish you off.
I mean it Momma, SHUT UP about it or I WILL shun you completely out of my life again. This time not with lies as my excuse but because you’re insisting on speaking truths I don’t want to hear…Truths, I WILL NOT hear. Or you shall be shunned again. The 4 times a year or so that I actually talk to your or answer your texts now after nearly four years of ignoring you, those WILL stop if you don’t SHUT UP.
I love you momma and I won’t listen to your feelings no matter how carefully you say them. Your tone frustrates me, even when your words don’t. I love you momma but not knowing who to believe frustrates me. So I love you momma but my friend is waiting in the car and your feelings bother me so I’m leaving. I love you momma but your truths bothers me too much and create too much confusion. I won’t have them. I listened to all the lies and ugliness about you from these people for four years and I’m done with listening to ugly things, so YOU don’t get to talk… If you want me to be your daughter, you don’t.
I love you momma but my friend is waiting in the car and I don’t want the truths of your life. I don’t want the devastation of your destruction at the hands of the other people who said they loved you because I love them too.
I love you momma but three holidays alone…three years ignored, abandoned, cruelly destroyed wasn’t enough. I love you momma but this holiday will be the same as the others. I momma but you deserve all the fucking holidays alone until you finally die and make our lives, living with lies, easier. I know we destroyed your life, but for God’s sake, how can you be so selfish as to want to discuss LET THOSE LIES STAND.
I love you momma but my friend is waiting in the car.
Love does not exist for people whose truth bothers other people too much to bother with. I love you momma but you need to deny your truth. I love you momma but I don’t care what the actual truth is. I love you momma but I love the people who destroyed you and that’s where I’m going. Those are the people I choose for my life. But, I will love you across the country while I’m with those people… if you’ll shut up.
Words are fucking shit.
Hope is a filthy lying whore.