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I am a naive, ignorant woman. I’m at the end and it’s my choice yet a teeny tiny piece of me still can’t comprehend this as reality. As though this is some movie where the happy ending comes at the last minute. Where my children call and say “OMG Momma!! I’m so sorry…the truth matters so much. I’m sorry what you’ve endured.. I love you.”

I wanted to make it perfect. A spotless house, pretty pajamas, the perfect letter saying all the right things….

But I think those were ignorant thoughts begging for a righteous, happy, lovely little pat ending to this nightmare. Some delightful made for TV movie where good wins in the end.

Me though? I’m watching Criminal Minds. Kinda in honor of how much Savannah loved this show… And in great irony, the last three episodes I’ve watched were about  sexual criminals with a predilection for teenage girls.

Here’s my world : I’m “disgusting ” because I had sex in my bedroom with my boyfriend while my children were sleeping.

What’s *not* disgusting is having a sexual obsession with teenage girls…

I’m disgusting because I drank to numb my pain at helplessly watching my children hurt sometimes after our home was stolen by their father.

What’s “not” disgusting is stealing your ex’s home in an attempt to leave her and your children homeless … all “for their own good”.  Because it’s okay to steal what’s not yours as long as you tell the people it was “for their own good”.

I stole a lip gloss once when I was 14.  I still feel ashamed.

I’ve never once raised my hand in anger, but my ex has abused animals, women, and children, I’m sure “for their own good” though.

I peed in a parking lot once and I’m the worst mother ever.

Welcome to a tiny glimpse of my world.