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There it was.

gross and grotesque

like intestines spilled out for display

at a homicide scene…

and yet beautiful enough to steal the breath from

my lungs.

There it was

the heart that went missing

5 agonizingly long years ago.

A Starbucks table full of older children…

I wondered why the others were turning to stare

when I saw it.

The smoke and ashes of a soul’s empire

lovingly built, brick by brick

sitting nonchalantly at a table

surrounded by friends,

who turned to stare

at the lonely old has-been crazy woman


in her car,

waiting at the drive-thru window

My very own heart

pretending it didn’t see me

purposely looking straight ahead

as its friends turned to stare…

I recognized it though.

After all, it’s my heart….

my purpose…

It choked my throat…

floods of hugs and kisses

bedtime stories

long talks at the dinner table

giggles making up silly stories

and how the number 3 makes a heart

…for a reason…

There it sat,

surrounded by friends,

pretending it didn’t see me….

my very own heart…

splayed out on that table

nonchalantly pretending…

I never existed

at all.

Maybe I never did?

Does one really exist without a heart?

So I forced a laugh, alone in my car…

trying to turn the choke of memories into laughs

hoping my empty, gaping chest

wouldn’t show itself.

Transformation complete.

You win.

I no longer