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I am the daughter of a narcissist.

I know the weight of the world,

never getting anything right,

I know whippings and the snide rip of my flesh stinging with bewildering confusion for my crime, 

I know the desperate longing to belong,

and the relentless ache to be loved.

I know hate without cause

and wondering why…

I am a rape survivor.

I know helpless. 

I know disempowerment,

the emotionless vacancy in blank eyes,

I know the feel of odd objects thrust inside me 

and the tearing of flesh from the inside

I know terror 

and wondering why…

I am a domestic violence survivor.

I know caking makeup to hide black eyes, 

I know the sting of broken noses, the  bruising of ribs,

I know the bloody lips, chipped teeth, bald spots,

I know the cuts, scrapes… the not-so-delicate finger shaped bruises adorning my neck.

I know fear and the impossibility of walking on eggshells

and wondering why…

I am the daughter of a loving father.

I know unconditional love from a distance.

I know big southern breakfasts 

and daddy’s that laugh til their whole belly jiggles

I know feeling my mistakes were forgiven

and the feeling of home. 

I am a momma

I know singing lullabies with babies breath in my face

I know the peace of watching a child sleep in safety and contentment.

I know giggles and token rocks as priceless gems.

I know chasing away bad dreams

and mending little hearts

with sweet kisses and gooey cookies,

fairy dancing and pretty dresses.

I know tiny hands reaching confidently for mine

and feeling strong for the first time,

knowing I’d rather die than allow this child pain.

I am a targeted parent. 

A cancer that grows stronger with every word or action. 

I know helpless.

I know worthless.

I know empty.

I know hopeless.

I know how it feels to be vilified,

persecuted, falsely accused, 

Without a voice, a prayer, or a single hope. 

I am an erased momma. 

I know of everything I know,  

of this , I am no survivor.

I know parental alienation by narcissists

killed me in the end.

Killed by obliteration; insidious erasure of all that was my past, present, and future.