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I used to take you to the beach when you were a baby. This was before I had a stroke, so we would play and twirl around in the sand and swing for hours. 

One game we played that you especially loved was I’d push you on the swing and then as you came forward toward me, I’d let your feet hit me and pretend you’d kicked me over. I’d fall backward in the sand and moan, ohhhhhhhh Lexi! You knocked momma down!! 

And you would throw back you head and shriek with laughter. You’d laugh so hardthe longer we played this, that sometimes you couldn’t catch your breath and I’d have to stop for a few minutes and let you catch your breath. 

Then I’d push your swing again .. and let your feet kick me down.. and tumble back in the sand….

Ohhhhhh Lexi! You knocked momma down!! 

and you’d laugh hysterically all over again. 

So maybe I taught you to laugh at me as you knocked me down..? … because you’re still doing this only it’s not a game anymore… 

It’s my heart and my whole life you’re kicking and then laughing because I’m so, so, so far beaten down.