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What does it do? It’s not so much the physical abuse… The ptsd duck-n-cover deer-in-headlights chronic stance. No, it goes so much beyond that.

I remember vividly hearing about how if “my daddy hadn’t been so poor I’d not even be here “. I remember my sister telling me I was never anything but a “germ trying to kill our mom”. I remember these and so much more, but I guess I always thought they were just mad at me because I’d been bad or something. As a child I couldn’t imagine I was something that awful .

But I was.

I recently found out from “mother’s” relatives, that she went around begging for the money for an abortion.

Ok . Yeah I always heard I “shoulda been a aborted” but I actually always thought that was just a mean thing to say when you’re mad at a child. After everything, I still didn’t believe that was true. Even after she TOLD me it was true…

I didn’t believe. No way. Even though my mother was odd and unloving, there was no way! I’m a little girl! NO one hates their littl girl just for being born! There’s no way!!

Well, it’s true. I’m a meant to be abortion without the money for one. 

It gets crazier. According to my mother, she was in three car accidents while pregnant with me ! I’m not sure how I survived. I’m certain I wasn’t supposed to. After all my mother took the anti abortion pill???) and had three car accidents, begged for abortion money, and hated my financially “poor” daddy.

Hmmmm…

What do you do when you know you were never supposed to be?

When you know your daddy was just “too poor” for the abortion your mother desperately wanted? I don’t even know.

Why would anyone care? I get it. Shouldnt matter. Yet it does to me.  

I miss my daddy . He was the wealthiest human being I’ve ever known, wealthy beyond measure by my standards!

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