Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

True to history, when things get rough, don’t whine or cry about it as very soon they will get exponentially worse.  It’s much like when a child cries and whines and the parent says, “You better stop that blubbering right this minute or I’ll GIVE you something to blubber about”.

Life, fate, karma…hell I don’t know what…has really given me something to cry about now and then some extra kicks for good measure.  Other than my children, only one figure in my life has inspired me with grace, held me with kindness, and loved me unconditionally:  my father.  I have only ever known one truly safe place, one absolutely true heart, one completely graceful spirit, Daddy.  While I have always been genuinely grateful for that one, I have always selfishly whined that I didn’t have more.  Why can’t I have a mother and a father who love me?  Why can’t I have family that’s close and mostly undivided?  Why can’t I have a loyal, loving husband?

And Daddy has died.  He is gone, never to return in the flesh…those arms which held me as I sobbed as a child, offered safety as I ran scared as a young adult… that heart which wrapped itself around mine so firmly and deeply that all my fears would vanish, that voice which offered wisdom, the words which offered hope, just gone.  That fast.  That never failing haven of safety, love, hope, and laughter through pain with which God blessed me is gone. Gone.  Gone.  Gone.

And now that HE is gone and all that he blessed my life with is gone with him, I have to stop and wonder, why did I ever waste a single thought on wishing I had another haven somewhere?  WHY?  My Lord, having one was hugely comforting.  And as much as I have endured, I’m sure there are those who have none, zero, zilch…

And now, they are me.  I am they.  I officially have no emergency contact now.  I looked blankly at that line just days after the funeral.  I stared and stared…thought and thought.  No, none.  I slowly and tearfully wrote n/a; that’s right, not applicableDoes not apply.  Not anymore. Not to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I know a few people care.  I know a couple of folks would cry if I passed.  I really believe I would even be missed by some.  And that’s a nice thought in itself.  I’m grateful for those people. And I couldn’t list them as an emergency contact.  There’s no one to come running to my aid if something drastic happens.

None.  Grace now has no foundation.  She is finally broken completely.

Advertisements